my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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