3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
