I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
