Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Farmville is her only friend.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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