finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
