well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
