Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
