Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
