Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
