my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
