Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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