Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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