I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
