my room smells like sperm. sweet.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
