Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
