dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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