So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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