I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
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i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
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The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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