Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
