My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
