my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
