I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
