I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
