He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
