I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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