Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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