I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
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I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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