And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she peed on how many people?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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