Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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