My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
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90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
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I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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