i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
