My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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