I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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