I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom