Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
