this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
