it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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