is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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