Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He shit in the fireplace
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
