Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
