I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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