i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
