I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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