I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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