I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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