Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
