Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
