I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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