He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
