Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
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We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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