piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
