someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
