I think my fart just growled at me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
why is half of my head shaved?
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