I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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