dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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