so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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