got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it because I queefed?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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