I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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